Being Somebody

Being Somebody

 Me, living my dreams

I woke up late in the morning of 20^th June of 2015, as per the habit of last couple of days. I remembered some thought struck my mind last night when I was listening songs on my phone before going to sleep. For me, it might have been a normal morning if I hadn’t received the news of my graduation the previous day. Though it was meant to be a feeling of happiness, I felt burden over my mind. Burden of employment.

In spite of waking up late, I sat in my bed with tidy hair, thinking about my next steps towards future. Well, nothing came up. So, I kept thinking even during brushing my teeth and later in shower. To be honest, I was very well-aware of the fact of my career choice for last few years. However, being a writer isn’t believed a wise choice as a start-up career. I desperately needed an option, because I knew how terrible Engineer I was. In spite of receiving distinction in Engineering, I was very well-aware of my capabilities.

The second option which struck me in last couple of days, was the one which I had been practising for last many years. Graphics Designing. However, seeking jobs in designing firm after completing engineering is rare case. And for me, my only two optioned seemed impossible to start with. Therefore, I chose better one and put the first option on hold. Because I could never put the dream of writing my own novel aside. After all, I had invested last seven years in reading the books carefully and increasing my knowledge in my favourite field. History was my thing, and I already had spent nine years to study Indian Mythology, History, Culture and philosophy in deep. I could never give up that dream.

Idea of beginning career in designing was good as a fresher, yet I had no certificate saying that  I was a designer. However, I had heard that companies only want your creativity rather than your certificate. So, I took a month to enhance my skills before applying in any urgent interview. Meanwhile, the hunger of history and mythology overtook my real motive, and I made myself busy in digital painting of gods. Interacting with few well-known digital artist of mythological works made it worse. I found myself attached in designing firm. However, at nights, I always wrote. And initiative of my own historical-fiction novel led me to 150 pages of manuscript with only 25% of the story told in it. Well, I stopped there, and reworked on my language and style of expressing narrative paragraphs.

Four months passed by, and I got no reply from every companies I had applied for. I doubted if anyone had even cared to see my resume and digital portfolio. The more embarrassing moments were seeing my parents’ faces with a question, yet I couldn’t answer them. I avoided my expenses as far as I could, so that I didn’t have to ask for money at home. I started spending more time in my bedroom, working on new artworks and writing. Well, opposite to normal people, I’m not an out-spoken person with many friends out there. Although, I did create virtual friend for me. A mere reflection of my own character. But everything as I knew was leading me in depression, which I heavily wanted to avoid. Continuous thinking of future and family wouldn’t allow me to concentrate on my writings. I kept doing artworks, because I could do it even without concentration. But I needed free thinking to build plot of historical-fiction. After gathering all the facts at one place, I once began a general plot. But it was difficult to explain your characters’ feelings when you’re low. That was the thing, happening with me. I was at my lowest point, where if I start working at any kind of job just for money, that would neither respect my skills nor my time. Some of my friends used to say that I have extraordinary skills of digital art. However, I didn’t believe because no professional had hired me yet. But one ray of hope came when my first artwork was sold out for very short amount of money. I forced my mind to believe that I might have some uniqueness in my arts. In the country, where nobody had any interest in culture and history, I was giving the famous mythological characters their new looks according to my imagination and possible digitization.

One day while taking a usual evening walk with my father, he looked at me and asked.

“I read about the jobs of Lecturer in Government College the other day. They say you must apply in GPSC for that. Do you want to?” he asked. I knew he cared about me. But I knew that even if I got the job of Lecturer, that wouldn’t help me to achieve my dream. These things would earn me money, yet that would neither give me time nor focus for what I really wanted to do.

“You know that even if I apply for it, I’m not going to be selected. Reservations are tough on us. GPSC requires more results from us than other castes. Besides, I want to build professional career in designing firm, and experience of academic career isn’t considered in these technical firms,” I replied with an excuse. Clearly, it made him disappointed.

I didn’t want to upset him. So I thought of giving it a try. Perhaps, it could bring new experience of life. So, I applied the next day. However, the exam was three months later, and I’m still waiting for it.

After applying in it, I got a call from my friend the other day. He said that he had started his own business of developing and designing in the basement of his own house. And he wanted me to include for designing. I agreed at once. However, I knew that fact that during start-ups, we can’t see money very well. My friend invested money in building that company and he was genuinely interested in it. I made my mind of helping him with my skills. When a 21 year old boy tells his parents that we would work as co-owner of the company which has just started, he won’t be given much response. Although, I explained out activities to them, and they allowed me to work there until I don’t have a proper job.

We started it, and we’re still working well in it. Well, money isn’t good yet, but we hope that we could figure it out in a year. My friend had family support for this one. No pressure of jobs, or writing or anything. I never gave up on interviews. I went frequently. Yet, they wanted more work on less salary, even in Naïve Company like us. One company offered me job of Web + Graphics Designer and I have to convert those psd files into css stylesheets along with html forms, since my resume told them that I was a PHP developer too. Well, that was double work and I must be paid as well. They informed me that my salary would be as they had published in advertisement. I was supposed to work as a designer and developer, on the salary of only designer. In 9 to 7 jobs with negligible salary, why would I pick that job? I wasn’t that kind of person who would sell his skills every day for few money. Besides, my designs would be titled on their company’s name. Why would I do that? I was working as freelancer where I could sell my art on my own name. And there is a big difference between selling your arts and selling your skills.

Honestly, I’ve developed considerable skills in both designing and writing. And I can’t sell this skills to those people who even don’t know how to respect a person’s hard work and knowledge. I have considerable knowledge in mythology and history of Indian cultural philosophy and religious studies, yet who cares?

I had to give up many ambitions throughout my teenage, I couldn’t give up this now. After scoring more than 75 in three school exams of 12^th HSC, somehow my results showed only 62 in Boards. In those two years of Higher Secondary, I had achieved supremacy in Chemistry. I could solve tough chemical equations in minutes, and could memorize the methods of naming and reactions in both organic and non-organics. Even after scoring more than 75 in chemistry in all of three exams, board results showed me less than 40 in favourite subject. Well, it didn’t happen with only my result. That year, my town saw its lowest result. Only 34% science students passed the exam. I had that dream of taking an admission in Chemical Engineering since my science teacher in 9^th told me that my chemistry was good and I should focus to become a chemical engineer. After scoring 80% in SSC, I applied in Diploma where I got admission in Petrochemical Engineering in the glorious university of our district. (M.S.) Yet, my instincts said me to study chemistry deeply in Higher Secondary. Well, I followed myself.

And everything I had dreamed, shattered in one moment on the day of 12^th May, 2011, when I saw my result on GHSEB Board’s website. Honestly, I never read anything twice. Whatever I have achieved in my life, I did due to my extremely deep memory. I’m not boasting about myself, but it’s true that I’ve all stories of Scriptures, dates of kingdoms and kings, dates of famous wars, politics, international affairs, vast history of worldwide culture, technology, chemistry, science, and Computer Engineering, stored in my mind by only reading them once. And I know that all my abilities wouldn’t be noticed in future.

That moment when I first saw my HSC results, I did cry literally. I couldn’t hold it. The merit was a question mark on my future. However, fortunately, I got admission in Computer Engineering on the basis of my merit, yet I haven’t imagined that I’d be doing this. I knew that my self-confidence was already broken, and it would take considerable amount of motivation. Well, I could find no source of motivation, since that had changed me totally. An out-spoken, fun-loving person had become silent and steady. It wasn’t a depression, though. I knew that wouldn’t help me at all. So, I ignored my fate and continued walking further. I don’t know how many people did notice me, I don’t know how many people did presume my abilities, but I do know that all the abilities which I had acquired by enormous reading and various ignored stuff, was going in vain.

Well, few writers who inspired me for writing were: Dan Brown, J K Rowling, Stephnie Meyer, Paulo Coehlo, Salman Rushdie, Ian Fleming, Conan Doyle, and many others whom I used to read. I never underestimated Indian Writers. I always felt that India is lacking in literature since there are not many writers who could reintroduce history and culture to our youth. Young writers were busy in making romedy and Semi-porn love stories. Yet, I admire the Indian writers like Ashwin Sanghi, Amish Tripathi, Christopher C Doyle, etc for reintroducing Indian Culture by their very own ways. Using the medium of thriller, they made our history much more interesting to read. And I accepted their influence and motivation in my life. Like once Amish Tripathi said that even he couldn’t manage to work in the bank and write his first book of Shiva Trilogy concurrently. Well, if these brilliant people who have their total education in English Medium and have tremendous skills in this language felt it hard, then I was just a common boy who did his schooling in Gujarati Medium. Yet, my closeness with English Literature had filled my mental vocabulary with extremely good words which I could use in literary works.

It’s been more than six months, since I graduated and I still don’t have any job. I work at company which I and my friend direct together. Perhaps, my parents still want me to take a stable job, because their aim as guardians is seeing me happy and prosperous. However, I believe my happiness would be to work what I truly desire and prosperity would be having satisfaction with my works. I’m still figuring out to make everyone happy.